6 reasons why being sex positive makes me anti porn

Average reading time: 9 minutes

I believe that the ideology of Porn is basically the same as Puritanism, and its effects on our sex life are quite similar. I feel that I can't be sex positive without being against porn – just like a gourmet has to be opposed to junk food!

Disclaimer:

• I have no problem with the concept of depicting sexuality in general - as long as no one is hurt in the process.
• When I say "anti-porn" I mean that I have serious issues with the actual porn industry, such as it is currently, in our societies. I think 90%+ of the current porn production is problematic, for the 6 reasons below.
  
• I do NOT shame or blame people who have watched porn (nor the performers). We ALL have consumed porn. It is designed to exert attraction, and it's hard to resist.
• I don't claim to have a political solution to those issues. This is about my values, and the reasons why I dislike porn. Some people may disagree with my conclusions, and yet still agree with the values and principles. I think that understanding those values is important to the Orgasm Lovers experience.

Obviously, I love sex. To me, sex is a wonderful activity, including casual sex, recreative sex, and exploration of desires and fantasies.

And when I say I love sex, I mean penetration, ejaculation and orgasms... for both partners!  Which is one of the most important parts of my ethos: BOTH have to enjoy it.  

My preference is sensuality, tenderness, and slow-paced sex. I believe that taking time, exploring touch, and enjoying each moment of interaction, is the best way to achieve maximum pleasure for a majority of people - a majority, not everyone.

I am aware that we all have different pleasures, fantasies and fetishes. I don't shame kinks, and I encourage exploration. Whatever the fetish, if everybody is OK and enjoys it, I am all for it.  

In this case, why should I be against porn?    

• I have ethical issues with the violence I see in 90%+ of mainstream porn - and the implications for performers and viewers.
• I find several different issues with the effects of current mainstream porn on our love lives, our education and society

1. Brutality and violence against female performers. 

Scientific analyses of porn show that 90% to 96% of porn scenes include acts of violence, such as hitting, slapping, spitting, gagging, strangling... Which is, at best, problematic.

But, apart from that "side" violence, the sex itself is very brutal. Studies don't mention that because of taboo, because they just assume that sex is sex. It is not.

A hand on a cheek can be a caress or a slap depending on speed and strength: the same goes for sexual intercourse. For a woman's body, preparation, speed & strength of penetration make a huge difference between pleasure and pain. And the actual sexual penetrations I have seen on screen look like violent abuse, often akin to torture. 

Let's be honest, violence is a huge part of porn's attraction. It is exciting because it stimulates the "taboo", the transgression, the fantasies we have that we would never enact. It's cathartic. 

But, in regular movies, violence is simulated. Hollywood actors are not actually, physically hit, wounded, or hurt: they use makeup and special effects. But porn actresses are actually hit, slapped, gagged, brutally penetrated, etc. Why? Animals in movies have more rights than those girls in porn!

• Mistreating someone and filming it is not free speech.  
• Brutalizing someone and paying them $200 for their pain is not "work".   

Consenting adults? 

Power relationships & hierarchy, especially employer / employee, make consent... doubtful at best. In a situation like a movie stage, the structure and pressure can be overwhelming, and the accumulation of power imbalances (physical, economical, numerical, sexual, hierarchical...) makes actual consent very challenging.

I do know that kinks are various, and I know that some women will enjoy doing what we see in porn - even though it is too brutal for most women's bodies. 

But, I also know sex trafficking exists. I have read and heard from victims of this hideous trade, and the horrendous traumatic consequences. I have read and heard from various people who have seriously investigated the industry, and their conclusion is that only a minority of women in the sex industry are indeed consenting adults. And of course a pimp will make sure to coerce his victims into protecting him, so even if an actresses says that she loves her job, she may be lying under duress. We cannot know for sure if a performer is really enjoying herself or being coerced into the most brutal treatment.

I don't want to risk funding the torturing of a human being. I don't want to be an accessory to rape, much less its patron and sponsor !

So what about ethical porn? 

If it IS ethical, I have no problem with it.  

Indeed, the very fact that they need to mention they are ethical PROVES that the rest of the industry is usually NOT. And, unfortunately, their market share is abysmal (less than 1%). 

Anyway, if you DO want to watch porn, I can only encourage you to support ethical approaches ! See this article from Men's Health or go to Erika Lust's ethical porn.

Also, I have no ethical issue with erotic literature, or "erotica" (nakedness or simulated sex), or comics and anime... No matter how kinky or disturbing some "hentaï" can be, no-one is ever hurt or abused in the process of making animation movies!

2. Confusion between love (sex) and hate (violence)

Sex. is. MAKING. LOVE !  

First and foremost, sex is a shared experience! A fun and pleasant and joyful shared moment. A moment to connect with the person you love the most - or at least someone you care about. An occasion to please them, and show you care.

I don't insult the people I love. I don't hit them. I don't spit on them. I don't torture them. To me, to you, to most people, sex is a language of love. I have too much respect for my penis to use it with contempt!

Those images of aggressive sex create a confusion in our minds between hatred (violence) and love (sex). And we see those images much too often, and we learn that confusion.  

WTF, people? Why? 

3. Our expectations and behaviours about sexuality - education by repetition

If it were only a "niche", only accessible with time and effort, the effect of Porn on our minds and society would not be problematic. If I don't like Goth music, I can spend my life without having to hear it or feel any impact in my life. The omnipresence of porn and porn culture in our societies makes it permeate our minds.

What you see often, you learn. How many commercials do you know by heart? 

And porn comes with an imagery of misogyny and "rape culture". Even the words they use are mixing sex with contempt, hatred, violence. The words we use influence our minds. The images we see often influence our minds - just think of how difficult it is to not think of a brand when you hear their motto. No-one is immune to that. Our minds are invaded by their ideology.

Further, the taboo about sex makes it so that Porn is the de facto sex education.   

And because of that, young men and women (and boys and girls, from a very young age) may come to think that sex is akin to what they see in porn. And even if they don't, they don't know what else they could do! One might even think we are expected to behave, in the bedroom, just the opposite as the way we should the rest of the time, with reverse values: hitting people, insulting them, making them hurt, is it the way to show love? Unfortunately, many teenagers learn it that way.

This is the apex of rape culture.   

This is documented by many studies. I will only mention three Ted speakers:

• Maria Ahlin: let's talk porn; 
• Cindy Gallop: Make love not porn
• Peggy Orenstein: What young women believe about their sexual pleasure; 

4. Impact on our imagination and creativity.

For my penis' sake! It's. Always. The. Same. Script!

Always the same actions, in the same order. Always the same vocabulary. And always the same power dynamics. This is so... monotonous! There are so many ways we can do sex in other orders, with different dynamics, different rhythms, different... everything!

Further, Porn replaces our imagination - and it would, even if the script were not so predictable. Since those are very striking images, that seem very real, it is hard for our imagination to claim back its territory.

It works like movie adaptations of novels. When you have seen the movie, it's hard imagining the character with another face from the actor. Same goes here - both with images, and scenarii.  

So, our imagination is impoverished by this.

5. Is "porn addiction" a thing? Why?

There is no consensus about Porn being addictive or not. Experts still debate around the idea.

But many testimonies from men say they feel it this way. And, it is documented that porn consumption has many similar factors with substance addiction. At least it FEELS addictive to some - those consumers feel the need for it, feel unsatisfied after consumption, feel a compulsion to go back anyway; and feel a need for a gradually higher/stronger dose to reach the same effect ("high").

I think I understand why. Porn is 100% mental stimulation (mental, not body): we witness images, we are not experiencing any touch. The excitement is completely visual, and only touches our imagination - our thoughts. No actual physical pleasure is involved.

As Esther Perel says, "the most erogenous organ is between the ears". So, yes, it IS very exciting.   

But, it is not our OWN imagination. It is not me creating the images. So they wear down, like anything mental that is not created by the owner.

I have sexual fantasies that I created when I was 15, and they still work to make me erect at 49 - they are my own, they are organic, so they keep working for me. But the same porn movie will fail after a short while. And the same porn scenario will fail, and I will need something "stronger" - more violent, more transgressive.   

Why does it need to be violent? I see two reasons:

• I think it has to do with the fact that porn movies do not have direct access to our body sensations. The only way from a purely visual image to activate your body sensations is through your mind, and especially emotions (emotions are body sensations). And the easiest, and the most immediate emotion, is anger.
• Testosterone is involved both in sexual desire and in aggression. Hence, violence + sex is the optimum for maximum arousal. 

And of course, it is easy access. An addictive thing needs to remove the effort from the "satisfaction", and be "ready when you want". which is the case here.  Well, now it is really easy, and free, and... difficult to avoid, even!

6. Pornography and Puritanism go hand in hand

Because of Puritanism, there is little speech about sex, it is taboo, it is "bad".

Porn speaks about sex, associating it with violence, so yes, it proves how "bad" it is. And it feels shameful. And shame reinforces the taboo. It is basically the same message.

They are allies. They feed each other. And they feed Patriarchy, and rape culture.  Currently, the way social media guidelines equate any depiction of nudity with "forbidden" makes it impossible to talk about sex. Therefore, the porn industry has taken over all speech about sex. It is a vicious cycle of two groups with seemingly opposite stances that feed the same ideology.

The way porn teaches sex is a way that will make it not pleasant for most women. To which, many women will eventually respond by being wary of having sex - or, accept it as an unpleasant experience, necessary to initiate an intimate relationship... or feel that violence is a normal part of life, even within a loving relationship? In any case, that will make everyone's sex life miserable.

Porn and puritanism are the enemy of anyone’s fulfilling sex life - be it monogamous, loving and faithful, or casual with multiple partners.

TLDR and Conclusion