Last updated on May 17, 2022
Average reading time: 5 minutes.
This post is not about the harm porn does to your sexual life. Here I am focusing on 5 specific,, technical things that you should be aware of, that you should try to implement in your own practice.
Those are basics things I see in porn and that should imperatively be done differently in real life. And most of those things are not explained by critics or media (or even sex education) because they are too involved in the reality of sexual touch, which is somewhat taboo (it's sex). They are, however, among the most harmful aspects of what we learn when we watch porn.
First, the obvious: respect
Most people do not like being insulted, despised, and treated like an object. Don’t talk to the person you love the way they do in porn, except if she explicitly asks you to. (Follow the link for more on that subject)
Most people do not enjoy being hit, slapped, or otherwise mistreated. Of course there are exceptions, but in sexual interaction you should never do anything that would be seen as aggressive in normal life: hitting, spanking, slapping, gagging, hair pulling, strangling, etc. (except if your partner explicitly asked for those specific actions, follow the link for information about that).
Most people do not enjoy pain. If it is painful to either one of you, you are doing it wrong (except in the case of an explicitly stated kink).
Women are people (!), so by default, do not do to them anything you wouldn't like being done to you. Not feeling valued as a human being is a big turn-off (and not good for your own satisfaction).
In general, good sex is when everyone is making sure that what they are about to do will be enjoyable for both.
Female arousal
The basic script of porn is a fantasy about women being at a man’s disposal: they are available and willing for anything the man wants, whenever he wants. Plus, “foreplay” is not very photogenic.
For most women, having a penis in their mouth is not enough to draw arousal.
In real life, you
need to take time (20 to 45 minutes) stimulating a woman’s arousal, in order for her body to be
ready for sexual intercourse. This is about caressing, kissing
her
lips, kissing
her body, finding sensitive spots, cuddling... (which is not fun to watch, so movies skip it)
Just as the penis needs some blood activity to become big and solid, the vagina needs some blood irrigation:
- to become elastic (average vagina size is 11 cm, varying between 5 and 15; when average penis is 13.5 cm; and they actually expand too !),
- to have its surface tissue thicker and softer (like a cushion for your pleasure),
- and to have its canal lubricated for comfort.
This preparation is gradual; some areas may be ready when others are not.
Skipping this step will make penetration painful for the woman, and not very comfortable for the man (you may get your ejaculation, but why take a dry biscuit rather than a tender, mellow cake?). More information here.
As a side-note: exceptions exist, but most times you should not need artificial lubricant for vaginal penetration: natural arousal produces plenty (for most women, and before menopause). And for the record, spit is not a good lubricant.
The clitoris glans is not a flint-and-wood fire-starter!
The clitoris glans is VERY sensitive and fragile. For men who have their foreskin, it is 4 times more sensitive than your glans. You should touch it very lightly, gently, with plenty of lubrication. And, by all means, go SLOW!
It should not be rubbed like you want to start a bushfire by rubbing small wood together. If you have seen my “4 Keys to female orgasm”, you know the touch should be very gentle (if you have not, don't wait, subscribe!). Maybe, with the building of arousal and pleasure, you can go a little bit faster, and a tiny bit stronger. But never as fast or strong as they do in porn.
And remember that in order to show things, they need to have distance; you don't have the same limitations.
Also, know that the clitoris glans is but one of the ways to give pleasure to a female body.
Penetration should be much slower and gentle
The movement
with
which porn men thrust
when
penetrating, is
usually
much
too
strong, too fast, too brutal for it to be pleasant to a female body. You should divide the back-and-forth frequency by 4 or 6, except for the beginning, where you should divide it by 8 or 12 - and most importantly, change the intention.
When you enter inside someone, you should do it slowly rather than bursting in like an angry mobster. I am always under the impression they are trying to break in! Very few women enjoy what they often call "the jack-hammer".
The vagina is very sensitive, and needs to be treated accordingly. Symbolically, you are a dignitary being welcome inside someone's inner sanctum, not a criminal barging in on his crime scene! Technically, think of the strength and rhythm like when you insert food into your mouth.
Being soft and slow will be much more enjoyable for both. As a general rule, if you need to put strength in your movement, you are doing it wrong.
At the beginning of penetration, I encourage you to go slow, enjoy discovering the feeling of her inner tissues, make sure she appreciates and welcomes you every centimetre of the way. And then, linger a long time at the bottom, make her feel your presence, and enjoy the delicious intimacy of being so closely interlocked!
Imagination and event scripts
The most ironic thing about porn is how restrictive it is for imagination and script scenario. One would assume, with the plethora of material available, that you could find a variety of inspiration? Nope. I found that porn scenes are almost always scripted the same way, with the same things happening in the same order, and the same dynamics, the same boring patterns.
One thing you can do is change dynamics. Change roles. Each partner can (and should) have some time being the leader, the one who proposes the activity, who is in charge of the other, the one who is the object of attention...
Do things in other
orders. Do not feel
obligated to change positions every
so
often, or to stay in the same position for specific amounts of time (no minimum, no maximum). Maybe
take a break in the middle. Or not. Take
your time. Change the focus of your attention during
play. Or not. Repeat what you just did or don't. Obviously the best way to script is to listen to each other, and linger on what is pleasant, and change what is not.
There is no need to do the same things each time you are having sex. Oral sex is not mandatory, for either partner (however, there should be reciprocity). Anal is not mandatory, for either partner. Some people may enjoy some things that others do not.
And you should never feel compelled to do something you do not fancy. The basic rule for sex is consent (read more here).
Change. The. Script. I am so grateful for not having had access to porn in my teen ages, I was able to try and find my own scripts, and co-create new ones!
Those are the five basics lessons one has to get about the porn script and events that you see. There are many more, and each of those could be detailed in much more depth.
Please let me know which you think should be covered in more details, and if there are experiences you wish to share!